What Now?

For all my faithful blog readers, (yes- YOU in 5 years, reminiscing about the past) I'm baaa-ck! Excuse the kid movie flashback- you know the one where the dinosaurs walk down the streets of the city? Is it actually called "We're Back?" I do believe...

Now that I have wasted a good minute of the limited amount of time I have to be alive- lets proceed, shall we?

Live in the last month has... moved on. I am feeling much more in control of my life than I was even just a few weeks ago- I think a multitude of factors have converged to lead me to this conclusion.

1. Barack Obama won the election. You may hate my politics (not YOU, future me!), but I am freakin' excited about this. Seriously- I rode that high for... well, I am still riding the high.
2. I visited what is quite possibly my favorite family on the planet last weekend. The chance to hang out with their five BEAUTIFUL children was enough to keep me going for quite a while.
3. I have awesome friends. Seriously amazing people in my life who lave and care about me.
4. I am figuring out some of my issues... they are ever-present, but at least I am not floundering all the time anymore. My head is barely above water- but I am no longer drowning. I have times of struggle- but I also have times that I can ride that wave far above the water. There is something deeply satisfying about knowing that your issues are managable- that in the world there exists hope.
5. I have recently joined an organization that is forcing me to consider my life and the public service I want to... do? It has an incredibly creative name: The Center for Public Service. Within this center I am finding my center- and it is deeply rooted in a societal service career. It (frankly) scares the shi--iit out of me to know- rather, to NOT know. But again- a little excitement in knowing that my life has potential.
6. Break is coming, friends! Those 4 LONG lovely days of... nothingness. Not that I do nothing over break, but it feels fun to say that way.
7. Bigger break is coming- the semester break. The time when you really ARE done with everything, you have completely put the last four months behind you along with the rediculous project and the difficult tests and the incredibly stressful 21 credit hours. (Future me- why did I do that? Seriously. PLEASE- learn from me now... don't be stupid.)

So- control. All of my issues are about control. Every. Single. One.

Things I'm afriad about...
1. Losing control of myself, my life, my friends, my family, my future.
2. Never getting to the point where I can simply accept the love of God.
3. Never finding the answers to the huge, life-altering, perspective-changing questions.
4. My own Grandma-issues. Both Grandmas. The dead one too.
5. Family stuff. In general. That my brothers turn out alright. That they become good people. That my parents would... you know.
6. Salvation.

I am a whiner. Plain and simple.

Someday there will be a nice post without all of the psycho-emotional blather spewed across it. But for now- this is absolutely what you get.