Tuesday, September 8, 2009
This has been an overwhelming kind of day. I experienced so many different sorts of emotions; exhaustion, excitement, anxiety, happiness, frustration, and joy. I have a fantastic group of students, and it was a really fun day. The first day is always chaotic, but I really enjoyed the ability to see how school begins. In every other practicum, I have entered into an environment in the middle of the year. Being there and establishing my place in the beginning of the year was a really exciting opportunity.
On one hand, it is nice to be living in an area that is sympathetic to my political views. Defending oneself and one’s politics on a continual basis is tiring! However, I need to make sure that I stay current on the news and opposition opinions. I think that with the busyness of this year, I could very easily slip into a pattern of being uninformed, and losing my “political edge.” One of my goals for the year is to figure out how to live the busy life of a student teacher and have a life- including staying current- at the same time. (RETROSPECT: NOT that HARD STAYING CURRENT IN THIS CITY)
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
I taught my first lesson today- (FIRST LESSON!!!) it was rather spur of the moment. We were doing a math graph based on eye-color, and my cooperating teacher had me make the big graph for the class. She then sort of handed the responsibility over to me. The lesson was a little bit advanced for them, and we were not prepared for the number of students who have brown eyes in the class! My first problem with the teaching worksheets created for the all-Caucasian class- we had 17 students with brown eyes and 4 students with blue eyes. I am learning more and more about the unique scenarios that accompany teaching in a diverse classroom, even the silly little things like the need to create worksheets that fit the demographics of the class.
After some reflection on the lesson today, I realized that I need to work on a balance between the incredibly detailed lesson plans I have been taught to create, and the impromptu lesson I taught today. I know that it will eventually be impractical to create very meticulous lesson plans, and I need to get better at “flowing” through the lesson without a step-by-step procedure. However, I know that this format is required for student teaching. I am a little concerned about doing this for a year, and then attempting to start a career as a teacher, when these won’t be necessary. Will I have had the requisite amount of practice completing quickly planned lessons? (SEMESTER TWO: THREE DETAILED LESSON PLANS)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
This morning started off really well with a visit to the Rainbow PUSH Coalition Rally. It was a pretty awesome experience to be sitting just a few rows from the Reverend Jesse Jackson, as well as the President of the NAACP and many other prominent leaders in the black community. I have spent a lot of time working with black students, and have many black friends. While I realize that this does not give me a complete understanding of the black culture and heritage, I do think that I have some appreciation for issues that disproportionally impact the black community. Issues like healthcare and poverty and quality education are all civil rights issues within many black communities, and it was exciting to be in a room filled with such a powerful spirit. I also loved the connection made between politics and the church. I have been fighting the battle to keep church and the state separate for a while, both to avoid the corruption of the state, and the influence of government in religious matters. But as a religious person, I find no problem with the expression of my faith lying in progressive politics. It was exciting to chant and cheer about health care reform being a moral issue- because for me, it is. It was encouraging to listen to cries about quality education and illegal immigration being religious issues, because they are!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I wish I could tell them about the beauty of the struggle and the goodness of community. I wish I could tell them that big city doesn’t mean danger or ambiguity. I wish I could tell them about the flavor of each block and the music of each neighborhood. And I especially wish I could tell them that parents here love their kids, regardless of annual income. I wish they could see that students here still have hopes and they still dream of better things, regardless of being considered a lost cause. But I cannot- no matter how much you scream and beat your chest about injustice and the beauty of innocence, they won’t listen.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
The Plan
Throughout this entire year I have spent student teaching, I have kept a daily (mostly) journal. Why not just post these journals to this blog? Because I am a dummy sometimes.
So... the plan is to post some highlights from my journals to this blog. I will pick a few entries a night to copy, because I want to save them. I would lose this year of memories if I ever lost this flash drive- and how tragic would that be???
I will start at the beginning, August 2009...
Monday, August 31, 2009
It was really good to meet my site supervisor today as well. He seems like a wonderful person who will be a great resource for me this semester. (WHAT I KNOW NOW: HAHAHA) I am very anxious about all the logistical details of this placement, and even more so because I do not speak Spanish. I know that I will catch on quickly, but I am still worried. (LAUGHTER FROM FUTURE ME) I know that these qualms will work themselves out, but I am so looking forward to getting settled, both in my apartment and in my placement. I discovered today that I will be in a first grade classroom, which has changed from kindergarten. I know that this is not a big deal, but I had mentally prepared myself for kindergarten, and I need to move these mental images around.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
After spending a day in the school, I am confident that a good year is coming. I am very excited about my move to first grade. The teacher is fantastic, and seems very willing to include me in the classroom. When I got to school, I was amazed at the interaction of the staff. They all seem so happy to be working together, despite the problems with the building and all the recent staffing changes. At least 5 teachers that I know of have switched grades, and the faculty seems to be taking this chaos in stride. The principle and vice principle seem to be incredibly supportive people who take care of the teachers. I am looking forward to working with these people all year. (INTERESTING HOW THINGS CAN CHANGE)
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Yesterday was an exhausting, overwhelming day. Today was an exhausting, overwhelming day. This theme seems to continue, and I am really looking forward to a few days of rest before the madness of the school year begins. Friday was a lot of fun, but a little too stimulating. I am usually an introverted person, which does not mean that I don’t enjoy socializing with people and being in new situations. However, it does mean that I need some time to unwind and calm down alone, time that has not been readily available this week. Yesterday was also my twenty-first birthday, and all the new activities with new people were a little much. I went to my school to work, even though my teacher was attending a conference. It was nice to get some time in the classroom, and have a chance to talk with the other faculty members. I went straight to the loop tour at the library, which was a very interesting experience. Scott knows so much about the city, and it was exciting to spend some time learning about the skyscrapers in the loop. The styles of the buildings have always been fascinating, and I enjoyed learning more about the history. The same was true of the architectural boat tour. It was nice to see the city from the unique angle of the lake and the river. I have spent so much time in the loop over the years, but having a better understanding of the history and the planning of the city was exciting. We then went to the Jazz Festival in Grant Park. After playing the alto and tenor saxophone for eight years, I was completely and totally ingrained in the jazz culture, and I have to make a confession. I don’t like jazz! It disrupts my sense of order and rule in a sense. I can appreciate the beauty of the style and the talent it takes to produce such great music, but it is not my preferred type of music. (AFTER LIVING IN THIS CITY FOR EIGHT MONTHS... I STILL DO NOT LIKE JAZZ.)
I had been looking forward to today since getting the orientation schedule last Sunday. My parents grew up on the South Side, and knowing some of the history excited me, as well as the roots I have in these neighborhoods. My mom grew up in the Beverly neighborhood, and my dad was raised in the Back of the Yards area. The racism that was incredibly evident in these neighborhoods as my parents were growing up has always fascinated me. My mom tells horror stories about the riots in 1968, and the bombs that the first black families in the neighborhood got through their windows. My grandfather owned a grocery store that was boycotted when he allowed black people to shop there. My dad was raised in a much less tolerant environment. My grandparents were never overtly racist, but ignorant about racial differences and black culture. My dad was able to get educated and exposed to the African American community, and I was raised in an unbiased and open-minded environment. I feel inextricably tied to this area of the city, and proud of my, albeit sketchy, South Side heritage. I have had a lot of exposure to African American poverty in the past, so parts of this tour simply made me angry. It is incredibly disturbing to see some of the injustices, even if you know they exist and have worked with people from within the population before. The tour was a little frustrating because I was sitting in the far back, and could only hear about half of what was being said. I felt like I was missing a lot of valuable information from Arvis. However, what I did hear was fascinating, and it was interesting to get an up-close view of some of the areas of the city I was not familiar with. (I HAVE SINCE BEEN ON THE TOUR TWO OTHER TIMES AND STILL FIND IT FANTASTIC... ESPECIALLY WHEN I COULD HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID!)
So... the plan is to post some highlights from my journals to this blog. I will pick a few entries a night to copy, because I want to save them. I would lose this year of memories if I ever lost this flash drive- and how tragic would that be???
I will start at the beginning, August 2009...
Monday, August 31, 2009
It was really good to meet my site supervisor today as well. He seems like a wonderful person who will be a great resource for me this semester. (WHAT I KNOW NOW: HAHAHA) I am very anxious about all the logistical details of this placement, and even more so because I do not speak Spanish. I know that I will catch on quickly, but I am still worried. (LAUGHTER FROM FUTURE ME) I know that these qualms will work themselves out, but I am so looking forward to getting settled, both in my apartment and in my placement. I discovered today that I will be in a first grade classroom, which has changed from kindergarten. I know that this is not a big deal, but I had mentally prepared myself for kindergarten, and I need to move these mental images around.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
After spending a day in the school, I am confident that a good year is coming. I am very excited about my move to first grade. The teacher is fantastic, and seems very willing to include me in the classroom. When I got to school, I was amazed at the interaction of the staff. They all seem so happy to be working together, despite the problems with the building and all the recent staffing changes. At least 5 teachers that I know of have switched grades, and the faculty seems to be taking this chaos in stride. The principle and vice principle seem to be incredibly supportive people who take care of the teachers. I am looking forward to working with these people all year. (INTERESTING HOW THINGS CAN CHANGE)
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Yesterday was an exhausting, overwhelming day. Today was an exhausting, overwhelming day. This theme seems to continue, and I am really looking forward to a few days of rest before the madness of the school year begins. Friday was a lot of fun, but a little too stimulating. I am usually an introverted person, which does not mean that I don’t enjoy socializing with people and being in new situations. However, it does mean that I need some time to unwind and calm down alone, time that has not been readily available this week. Yesterday was also my twenty-first birthday, and all the new activities with new people were a little much. I went to my school to work, even though my teacher was attending a conference. It was nice to get some time in the classroom, and have a chance to talk with the other faculty members. I went straight to the loop tour at the library, which was a very interesting experience. Scott knows so much about the city, and it was exciting to spend some time learning about the skyscrapers in the loop. The styles of the buildings have always been fascinating, and I enjoyed learning more about the history. The same was true of the architectural boat tour. It was nice to see the city from the unique angle of the lake and the river. I have spent so much time in the loop over the years, but having a better understanding of the history and the planning of the city was exciting. We then went to the Jazz Festival in Grant Park. After playing the alto and tenor saxophone for eight years, I was completely and totally ingrained in the jazz culture, and I have to make a confession. I don’t like jazz! It disrupts my sense of order and rule in a sense. I can appreciate the beauty of the style and the talent it takes to produce such great music, but it is not my preferred type of music. (AFTER LIVING IN THIS CITY FOR EIGHT MONTHS... I STILL DO NOT LIKE JAZZ.)
I had been looking forward to today since getting the orientation schedule last Sunday. My parents grew up on the South Side, and knowing some of the history excited me, as well as the roots I have in these neighborhoods. My mom grew up in the Beverly neighborhood, and my dad was raised in the Back of the Yards area. The racism that was incredibly evident in these neighborhoods as my parents were growing up has always fascinated me. My mom tells horror stories about the riots in 1968, and the bombs that the first black families in the neighborhood got through their windows. My grandfather owned a grocery store that was boycotted when he allowed black people to shop there. My dad was raised in a much less tolerant environment. My grandparents were never overtly racist, but ignorant about racial differences and black culture. My dad was able to get educated and exposed to the African American community, and I was raised in an unbiased and open-minded environment. I feel inextricably tied to this area of the city, and proud of my, albeit sketchy, South Side heritage. I have had a lot of exposure to African American poverty in the past, so parts of this tour simply made me angry. It is incredibly disturbing to see some of the injustices, even if you know they exist and have worked with people from within the population before. The tour was a little frustrating because I was sitting in the far back, and could only hear about half of what was being said. I felt like I was missing a lot of valuable information from Arvis. However, what I did hear was fascinating, and it was interesting to get an up-close view of some of the areas of the city I was not familiar with. (I HAVE SINCE BEEN ON THE TOUR TWO OTHER TIMES AND STILL FIND IT FANTASTIC... ESPECIALLY WHEN I COULD HEAR WHAT IS BEING SAID!)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
One year later...
I stumbled across this blog tonight and was amazed and ashamed to find that it has been over a year since I last posted. To all my followers (joke :) I apologize. This blog is for me anyway, so there.
In all honesty though, thinking about all that has happened in the last year brings feelings of excitement and wonder and a sense of overwhelming blessing.
Since my last post, I finished my junior year at Anderson. I moved out of my apartment. I traveled to Europe for the first time. I fell in love with Romania. I crossed the Danube in Budapest, and I met some incredible people. I worked an incredibly stressful job filled with giant highs and terrifying lows. I connected with high school students who operate in an entirely different reality than I do. I discovered my own ability to get angry and act in the face of injustice and wrongdoing. I spent an incredibly fun day at Cedar Point with my dad. I took a group of 95 students to Washington DC. I pulled a fire alarm in a crowded church building (oops!) to get my kids out. I opened the eyes of isolated children to the roots of the civil liberties they enjoy. I went on a tour of the Capitol building. I met people in a way I never have before. I spent 4 days at a lake with people I love dearly. I went to Europe again and bonded with my mom as a woman. I discovered the wonder of Italy and the splendour of Greece and the confusement of Slovakia (?) and the history of Venice and the beauty of Switzerland and the solidarity in Belgium and the stylings of Paris. I found both my love of travel and my longing for home on that trip. I moved to CHICAGO. I started teaching. I said goodbye to my grandmother. I treaded the waters of my extended family. I fell in love with a group of little people. I confirmed my calling. I discovered the city and rode public transportation and got proposed to on the bus with a stolen ring. I got the swine flu, because children are NASTY. I got a dear puppy with my brothers, a little guy we named Mowglie. I longed for Christmas vacation and cried terribly when I said goodbye to my little friends. I went on a ski trip with dear friends and family. I moved into an amazing apartment. I met my new, slightly-larger little friends. I endured 2 months of no teaching and test-preparation. I planned my units and got excited about instruction. I became incredibly comfortable with my roommates. I decided to stay in Chicago and start looking for condos to buy (!?!). I went to Colorado for a wonderful vacation with people who really get it. I started to teach in a way that feels comfortable and right. I worried about jobs in the future. (Scratch that- I WORRY about jobs in the future).
I am... incredibly blessed.
In all honesty though, thinking about all that has happened in the last year brings feelings of excitement and wonder and a sense of overwhelming blessing.
Since my last post, I finished my junior year at Anderson. I moved out of my apartment. I traveled to Europe for the first time. I fell in love with Romania. I crossed the Danube in Budapest, and I met some incredible people. I worked an incredibly stressful job filled with giant highs and terrifying lows. I connected with high school students who operate in an entirely different reality than I do. I discovered my own ability to get angry and act in the face of injustice and wrongdoing. I spent an incredibly fun day at Cedar Point with my dad. I took a group of 95 students to Washington DC. I pulled a fire alarm in a crowded church building (oops!) to get my kids out. I opened the eyes of isolated children to the roots of the civil liberties they enjoy. I went on a tour of the Capitol building. I met people in a way I never have before. I spent 4 days at a lake with people I love dearly. I went to Europe again and bonded with my mom as a woman. I discovered the wonder of Italy and the splendour of Greece and the confusement of Slovakia (?) and the history of Venice and the beauty of Switzerland and the solidarity in Belgium and the stylings of Paris. I found both my love of travel and my longing for home on that trip. I moved to CHICAGO. I started teaching. I said goodbye to my grandmother. I treaded the waters of my extended family. I fell in love with a group of little people. I confirmed my calling. I discovered the city and rode public transportation and got proposed to on the bus with a stolen ring. I got the swine flu, because children are NASTY. I got a dear puppy with my brothers, a little guy we named Mowglie. I longed for Christmas vacation and cried terribly when I said goodbye to my little friends. I went on a ski trip with dear friends and family. I moved into an amazing apartment. I met my new, slightly-larger little friends. I endured 2 months of no teaching and test-preparation. I planned my units and got excited about instruction. I became incredibly comfortable with my roommates. I decided to stay in Chicago and start looking for condos to buy (!?!). I went to Colorado for a wonderful vacation with people who really get it. I started to teach in a way that feels comfortable and right. I worried about jobs in the future. (Scratch that- I WORRY about jobs in the future).
I am... incredibly blessed.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Nobility and other Random Thoughts
It is probably just the sheer amount of discussion concerning civic duty, but I feel a sense of nobility rising among this generation. And by "this generation" I mean myself. I try to dispose of the cliche inherent in being called to something higher- but just cannot seem to shake it.
Is something worth doing, regardless of outcome?
I feel - I am- powerless to act in so many situations- this leads me to the conclusion that I MUST act in those situations I have some influence over.
It pisses me off that my students at Robinson Elementary have a greater chance of dropping out of school than graduating. It pisses me off that little Yesica wears her coat to warm up each day after a cold night in her unheated house. It pisses me off that Diana was labeled stupid because she cannot fully pronounce the English words she has been hearing for just 7 months. It pisses me off that my students get behavioral warnings, even though they are five years old and haven't eaten.
If everyone in every school in every district was like this- it wouldn't be as much of a problem, right? We acclimate quickly to what we know, especially if it the only thing we know. My students want to grow up to be rappers of basketball players or trash collectors- as long as they don't turn out like their mommies or daddies who got put in jail. My kids fear the police because they are the ones who show up to take the grownups away. My kids have developed a completely negative attitude towards authority in general- because very few adults have stepped up to prove them wrong.
What makes me more angry than anything is my drive from Robinson Elementary to Killbuck Elementary every Friday morning. I walk out of Robinson smiling. I am thinking about the students, and what Victor said this morning, or what question Mya asked, or how Aaleyah wrote her words. I am thinking about tiny Ethan and his giant grin, or the hug that Gregory gives me. I am thinking about Alya and her shy smile, and Ashton with his defiant stare. I get into the car smiling. I smile as I turn the key, as I adjust my seat, as I find my radio station. I smile as I shift into drive- and then it is lost. My precious pearls of memories are lost as I drive towards Killbuck. There my students are well behaved and respectful and sweet. They are well dressed and good looking and well prepared to learn. They ate breakfast and got on the school bus and look forward to being in class. And they are white.
If it is not their fault- why do I resent them so much? I resent the ease with which my lessons flow. I resent how simple it is to explain difficult concepts in a class with these children. I resent being told that this is a low performing group, and thinking about what my kindergartners from Robinson are going to be accomplishing at this age. I resent teaching in the ideal environment. My heart stays at Robinson.
Is something worth doing, regardless of outcome?
I feel - I am- powerless to act in so many situations- this leads me to the conclusion that I MUST act in those situations I have some influence over.
It pisses me off that my students at Robinson Elementary have a greater chance of dropping out of school than graduating. It pisses me off that little Yesica wears her coat to warm up each day after a cold night in her unheated house. It pisses me off that Diana was labeled stupid because she cannot fully pronounce the English words she has been hearing for just 7 months. It pisses me off that my students get behavioral warnings, even though they are five years old and haven't eaten.
If everyone in every school in every district was like this- it wouldn't be as much of a problem, right? We acclimate quickly to what we know, especially if it the only thing we know. My students want to grow up to be rappers of basketball players or trash collectors- as long as they don't turn out like their mommies or daddies who got put in jail. My kids fear the police because they are the ones who show up to take the grownups away. My kids have developed a completely negative attitude towards authority in general- because very few adults have stepped up to prove them wrong.
What makes me more angry than anything is my drive from Robinson Elementary to Killbuck Elementary every Friday morning. I walk out of Robinson smiling. I am thinking about the students, and what Victor said this morning, or what question Mya asked, or how Aaleyah wrote her words. I am thinking about tiny Ethan and his giant grin, or the hug that Gregory gives me. I am thinking about Alya and her shy smile, and Ashton with his defiant stare. I get into the car smiling. I smile as I turn the key, as I adjust my seat, as I find my radio station. I smile as I shift into drive- and then it is lost. My precious pearls of memories are lost as I drive towards Killbuck. There my students are well behaved and respectful and sweet. They are well dressed and good looking and well prepared to learn. They ate breakfast and got on the school bus and look forward to being in class. And they are white.
If it is not their fault- why do I resent them so much? I resent the ease with which my lessons flow. I resent how simple it is to explain difficult concepts in a class with these children. I resent being told that this is a low performing group, and thinking about what my kindergartners from Robinson are going to be accomplishing at this age. I resent teaching in the ideal environment. My heart stays at Robinson.
Monday, November 17, 2008
End of the Semester
It is coming- I feel it.
There comes a point in each academic semester when you get a feeling- an instinctive inkling to look at the books and the syllabus and count the days remaining. That number currently stands at 16- I have just 16 days of classes left.
Feelings of the Heart include:
1. Panic
2. Immobilizing fear
3. Out-of-control amounts of work
4. Disbelief at how quickly this semester has gone (I say this every semester- but you know)
5. Pride- I am almost finished with my FIFTH semester of college (in the grand scheme of things, I know this barely even matters... but it feels god now)
6. Inexpressible JOY
There comes a point in each academic semester when you get a feeling- an instinctive inkling to look at the books and the syllabus and count the days remaining. That number currently stands at 16- I have just 16 days of classes left.
Feelings of the Heart include:
1. Panic
2. Immobilizing fear
3. Out-of-control amounts of work
4. Disbelief at how quickly this semester has gone (I say this every semester- but you know)
5. Pride- I am almost finished with my FIFTH semester of college (in the grand scheme of things, I know this barely even matters... but it feels god now)
6. Inexpressible JOY
Saturday, November 15, 2008
What Now?
For all my faithful blog readers, (yes- YOU in 5 years, reminiscing about the past) I'm baaa-ck! Excuse the kid movie flashback- you know the one where the dinosaurs walk down the streets of the city? Is it actually called "We're Back?" I do believe...
Now that I have wasted a good minute of the limited amount of time I have to be alive- lets proceed, shall we?
Live in the last month has... moved on. I am feeling much more in control of my life than I was even just a few weeks ago- I think a multitude of factors have converged to lead me to this conclusion.
1. Barack Obama won the election. You may hate my politics (not YOU, future me!), but I am freakin' excited about this. Seriously- I rode that high for... well, I am still riding the high.
2. I visited what is quite possibly my favorite family on the planet last weekend. The chance to hang out with their five BEAUTIFUL children was enough to keep me going for quite a while.
3. I have awesome friends. Seriously amazing people in my life who lave and care about me.
4. I am figuring out some of my issues... they are ever-present, but at least I am not floundering all the time anymore. My head is barely above water- but I am no longer drowning. I have times of struggle- but I also have times that I can ride that wave far above the water. There is something deeply satisfying about knowing that your issues are managable- that in the world there exists hope.
5. I have recently joined an organization that is forcing me to consider my life and the public service I want to... do? It has an incredibly creative name: The Center for Public Service. Within this center I am finding my center- and it is deeply rooted in a societal service career. It (frankly) scares the shi--iit out of me to know- rather, to NOT know. But again- a little excitement in knowing that my life has potential.
6. Break is coming, friends! Those 4 LONG lovely days of... nothingness. Not that I do nothing over break, but it feels fun to say that way.
7. Bigger break is coming- the semester break. The time when you really ARE done with everything, you have completely put the last four months behind you along with the rediculous project and the difficult tests and the incredibly stressful 21 credit hours. (Future me- why did I do that? Seriously. PLEASE- learn from me now... don't be stupid.)
So- control. All of my issues are about control. Every. Single. One.
Things I'm afriad about...
1. Losing control of myself, my life, my friends, my family, my future.
2. Never getting to the point where I can simply accept the love of God.
3. Never finding the answers to the huge, life-altering, perspective-changing questions.
4. My own Grandma-issues. Both Grandmas. The dead one too.
5. Family stuff. In general. That my brothers turn out alright. That they become good people. That my parents would... you know.
6. Salvation.
I am a whiner. Plain and simple.
Someday there will be a nice post without all of the psycho-emotional blather spewed across it. But for now- this is absolutely what you get.
Now that I have wasted a good minute of the limited amount of time I have to be alive- lets proceed, shall we?
Live in the last month has... moved on. I am feeling much more in control of my life than I was even just a few weeks ago- I think a multitude of factors have converged to lead me to this conclusion.
1. Barack Obama won the election. You may hate my politics (not YOU, future me!), but I am freakin' excited about this. Seriously- I rode that high for... well, I am still riding the high.
2. I visited what is quite possibly my favorite family on the planet last weekend. The chance to hang out with their five BEAUTIFUL children was enough to keep me going for quite a while.
3. I have awesome friends. Seriously amazing people in my life who lave and care about me.
4. I am figuring out some of my issues... they are ever-present, but at least I am not floundering all the time anymore. My head is barely above water- but I am no longer drowning. I have times of struggle- but I also have times that I can ride that wave far above the water. There is something deeply satisfying about knowing that your issues are managable- that in the world there exists hope.
5. I have recently joined an organization that is forcing me to consider my life and the public service I want to... do? It has an incredibly creative name: The Center for Public Service. Within this center I am finding my center- and it is deeply rooted in a societal service career. It (frankly) scares the shi--iit out of me to know- rather, to NOT know. But again- a little excitement in knowing that my life has potential.
6. Break is coming, friends! Those 4 LONG lovely days of... nothingness. Not that I do nothing over break, but it feels fun to say that way.
7. Bigger break is coming- the semester break. The time when you really ARE done with everything, you have completely put the last four months behind you along with the rediculous project and the difficult tests and the incredibly stressful 21 credit hours. (Future me- why did I do that? Seriously. PLEASE- learn from me now... don't be stupid.)
So- control. All of my issues are about control. Every. Single. One.
Things I'm afriad about...
1. Losing control of myself, my life, my friends, my family, my future.
2. Never getting to the point where I can simply accept the love of God.
3. Never finding the answers to the huge, life-altering, perspective-changing questions.
4. My own Grandma-issues. Both Grandmas. The dead one too.
5. Family stuff. In general. That my brothers turn out alright. That they become good people. That my parents would... you know.
6. Salvation.
I am a whiner. Plain and simple.
Someday there will be a nice post without all of the psycho-emotional blather spewed across it. But for now- this is absolutely what you get.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Lots to Process...
So- I am trying to resist my feelings of failure that result from being pressured into creating a blog and then allowing life to take over, interfering with posting on said blog. But it is not working, the resisting.
I am happy that I have a blog. I see myself someday, cozy and secure in my downtown apartment, nestled in my overstuffed armchair with a cup of tea and my laptop, reading through the amusing and childish antics of my past. (SPOILER- here is where it gets... odd) I will be confident and secure in my life- all aspects of my life. I will have a beautiful career working at an urban elementary school. I will have a social life and a social love. He will be (everything) that I want him to be. I will be involved in the community and feel each day like I had a hand in change. I will understand myself better. I will be looking at graduate schools. I will ...finally... be on track spiritually. I will be taking care of my little brother attending school in my city. I will be saying and thinking and doing a lot of things. Hopefully.
What I am getting at... life changes. A lot.
On October something-or-other, a girl in my apartment complex reported that she had been raped. By a stranger. Wearing a mask. In her apartment. In the middle of the day.
My world fell apart. I know that there are a lot of other life events that can (and will) happen to disrupt my life in a more significant way, but this felt big. Correction- it was big. It literally changed the way I see the world. I felt victimized and afraid and angry.
Yesterday I, we, everyone, found out that it was not true. It was a false claim. It was a fabrication.
So again I will say...
My world fell apart. I know that there are a lot of other life events that can (and will) happen to disrupt my life in a more significant way, but this felt big. Correction- it was big. It literally changed the way I see the world. I felt victimized and afraid and angry.
I am happy that I have a blog. I see myself someday, cozy and secure in my downtown apartment, nestled in my overstuffed armchair with a cup of tea and my laptop, reading through the amusing and childish antics of my past. (SPOILER- here is where it gets... odd) I will be confident and secure in my life- all aspects of my life. I will have a beautiful career working at an urban elementary school. I will have a social life and a social love. He will be (everything) that I want him to be. I will be involved in the community and feel each day like I had a hand in change. I will understand myself better. I will be looking at graduate schools. I will ...finally... be on track spiritually. I will be taking care of my little brother attending school in my city. I will be saying and thinking and doing a lot of things. Hopefully.
What I am getting at... life changes. A lot.
On October something-or-other, a girl in my apartment complex reported that she had been raped. By a stranger. Wearing a mask. In her apartment. In the middle of the day.
My world fell apart. I know that there are a lot of other life events that can (and will) happen to disrupt my life in a more significant way, but this felt big. Correction- it was big. It literally changed the way I see the world. I felt victimized and afraid and angry.
Yesterday I, we, everyone, found out that it was not true. It was a false claim. It was a fabrication.
So again I will say...
My world fell apart. I know that there are a lot of other life events that can (and will) happen to disrupt my life in a more significant way, but this felt big. Correction- it was big. It literally changed the way I see the world. I felt victimized and afraid and angry.
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